Thank you

I know I haven't posted for a long time. And I probably won't keep posting - I have lost the habit. But I have some thoughts running around in my head. I want to try to sort them out and see what they're saying.

I lost a dear friend recently. And I guess this post is really what I would say to her.

Dear Kirsten,

There are so many things I could say. Many friends and family have echoed my own feelings by writing on facebook, by speaking at your memorial service and funeral, and in our many conversations as we came together to try to find comfort in our love for each other.

There's no doubt that we hurt. Knowing that you chose to leave us, that you chose to leave your family and your dear children - of course that hurts. But more than that, it hurts to know that you were in so much pain. I wish so much for you to not have had to feel that pain. And I know that you are in better hands and better care than we could give you here.

Missing you hurts too - I look at the magnet you gave me the last time we hung out for a day (you know, when I took a day off work and texted you as I was driving to the ferry, asking if I could come hang out - and of course you said yes!) - and I remember how you explained the right way to hug - one arm over, one arm under, in a symmetrical hug. And of course, you demonstrated.  I miss you so much, and wish I could have another hug right now.

And then my thoughts start running through the rest of that day - brunch at the Hardware store, where we splurged and got the homemade donut hole thingeys that were surprisingly good. And how even there, you were thinking about your kids and telling me what their favorite foods were, and how much food they could pack away. And then we ran errands and visited Granny's Attic and almost got to ride together on the ferry back until your plans changed at the last minute.

And we talked about some of the challenges we were each going through - especially divorce.  We shared thoughts and feelings that are too private to post on a blog.  We talked about happiness and heartache and Heavenly Father's love for us.  It seemed like a role reversal a little bit - where I had already been through some of the hardships you were going through.  So many times I had leaned on your experience and faith and example to show me that there was a light at the end of the trials I was in, and this time it was the other way around.

But you know all that.

Beyond the memories, beyond the hurt, there's a part of me that wants to tell you thank you. In a way that is perhaps odd, and perhaps completely normal. Thank you, Kirsten! Thank you for loving me, in whatever shape I was in. Thank you for making the time to show that love. Thank you for expressing it. And thank you for teaching me, even in your absence, that I have learned a bit about how to love as well. You see, through all the hurt and confusion, there is no doubt that I love you. No matter what choice you made, no matter what you did or didn't tell or share with me or anyone else, no matter anything. I love you. And that love feels a little bit like what I think our Heavenly Father feels for us too. Thank you for teaching me that I know how to love like that, and that I feel that love for you and for our dear circle of friends.

I was talking about these friends with my mom this week, and I called them my "real life friends" - somehow we made ourselves into something beautiful. Friends who are a strength and a safe harbor, no matter what we are going through. Friends who fit into the messy realities of life. Without judgement, I know that these friends love me. I know that I love them too. We are all different - married, single, with kids, without, fashionable, comfy, crafty, nerdy, etc. These are the friends I could talk with during my divorce and know that they were not going to judge me or second-guess me. These are the friends I can see only once in a while, especially when I'm busy with other parts of my life, and we are joyful every time we see each other instead of feeling guilty for not getting together more. These are the friends with whom I can talk about laser hair removal, surgeries, dating, biking, heartache, excitement, hairstyles - whatever I need or want. These friends for my real life. Like you, they love all of me, and I love all of them. And to me, this is a celestial friendship.

So, thank you for the chance to think about this. To realize this. I love you. No reservations. And I know with complete confidence that when I see you again, it will be a joyous reunion.

~julie